Balloon Ears And The Greenhouse Dizzies

The strange Opie illness

When I was a little kid I had a strange illness.

One day I woke up feeling dizzy, running a fever and thinking I was going to puke at any moment. 

But my parents weren't concerned. They figured I had the flu.

That was until both my ears swelled up like little balloons. 

Since it was the 1970s, any cause for concern momentarily took second place to the comedy of the situation.

My Dad pointed at me, laughed out loud and said I looked like Opie. He thought it was the funniest thing. I remember him roaring and pointing. Comedy gold was in his presence and he was taking it all in.

I was pleased my Dad thought this was so funny, even though I felt like barfing at his feet.

But I knew if I did, his laughter would quickly turn to rage.

So I held my puke and wondered who the heck Opie was.

This is Opie

With my swollen ears throbbing, my parents tossed me into the back of their wood panelled station wagon and set course for the hospital, about a half hour away. I sat in the backseat with seat belts optional, my ears buzzing and my tummy percolating. My Dad was giggling behind the wheel, periodically looking back at me and carrying on about Opie.

When we stopped along the highway so I could get out and throw up, my Mom gently rubbed the back of my head and shoulders to comfort me. Cars and trucks whizzed by and rocked the station wagon parked along the side of the highway. My Mom used her calming ‘It’s going to be okay’ tone while my Dad sat fuming in the driver’s seat.

The comedy of the situation had now passed.

When we saw the doctor he was puzzled and poked at my balloon ears with a pencil. He came in close with one eye shut and peered into the side of my head with a medical flashlight. His aftershave did nothing for my nausea. I gritted my teeth to hold in my barf as I could see my Dad standing beyond the doctor, arms folded with impatience.

The doctor mumbled to himself in my ear. I figured he was muttering medical speak, reciting healing incantations to find a solution. He hadn't seen anything like this before. It was strange and curious. Eventually he said in clear English he suspected I had an allergic reaction to something. 

He asked my folks if I had come into contact with anything unusual.

With that cue, my Mom said we visited a greenhouse the day before. She suggested I could have come into contact with something there. An exotic plant, perhaps.

This was good enough for the doctor. And so the diagnosis was determined: I touched a plant that didn’t agree with me.

The doctor prescribed some meds and said the boy should drink plenty of fluids.

With the medical mystery solved, we left the hospital and crossed the parking lot to the station wagon and drove home.

Eventually the swelling went down. The balloons deflated. My ears returned to normal and my young immune system declared victory. 

To this day, I have hearing issues that specialists say are likely caused by a virus I had when I was a kid. And they should know. As an adult, a few of them have poked my ears with pencils while mumbling incantations, trying to get to the bottom of my issues.

And it may be psychosomatic. But without fail, I always get a sense of dizziness when I walk into greenhouses in the spring.

Eventually my Dad did explain to me that Opie was a character from a show he watched when he was young. It was called The Andy Griffith Show and the character was played by Ron Howard when he was a kid.

“You know, Richie from Happy Days,” he would say to me in a frustrated tone, not getting why I didn’t get it.

Then for years he would recall this tale. “Remember that time you went to the greenhouse and your ears swelled up like little balloons and you looked just like Opie so we had to take you to the hospital? Remember that?”

I can still see him smiling as he recounted.

The balloon ears story would always make my Dad laugh.